Quarter Life Crisis.

25th birthday. 2017

The year I was turning 25 was the one of the toughest years of my adult life, mentally. Twenty-five was the year I thought I’d have it all figured out. I had heard so many around me say that by 25 they were married with two kids, had purchased their own home, graduated college/uni. and had landed their dream job. Prior to turning 25, I had family members reminding me that my biological clock was ticking, asking if and when I was going to have a huge wedding, if I was going back to school, etc. Turning twenty-five, was the year I felt so low about myself and where I was in life.

How I felt turning 25

My birthday is in March, as we all know by now because I have talked about it so much. So in January of 2017, something inside of me began to shift, I felt unsettled, I felt like I had this ticking time bomb inside of me, my emotions where all over the place. I remember constantly saying to those around me, that I was getting “old” and how I couldn’t believe how “old” I was. I giggle now at that, how I am older now and completely find myself saying how “young” I am or how “young” I feel.

I remember always feeling alone, in my relationship and in general, I am the only one in my family who lives in the Inland Empire. By late January I left my fiancé, I had compared my relationship so much to others that I found myself wanting out because it wasn’t where I thought our relationship should be. I won’t sugar coat things either, there were issues in the relationship that were far from perfect, and these things really were the straw that broke the already mentally and emotionally exhausted break.

novacane for the pain

I was living with my cousin and then back home with my mom, not knowing what I was going to do with my life, all I knew is that for the first time in my adult life I felt like I was “putting myself first”. I was doing whatever I wanted, like getting a very questionable piercing, cutting my bangs/hair, partying with my cousins, and doing anything and everything I could to not think about turning 25.

deep convos with young bros

My family threw me this huge beautiful birthday party, that started out as a surprise, until my mom spilled the beans. Even though I was walking around fearing this number, this age, I paraded around in my white dress that I claimed was my “wedding dress” because I was getting married to myself, and in my fake flower crown I handmade. I come from a huge Mexican family, partying is what we know how to do, and I loved being around family, but hated what we were celebrating because I did not feel worthy of celebration. What did I have to show for? What was worthy of celebrating? In my 25 years of life I felt as I had accomplished nothing. So that night I drank, I drank so much that I blacked out. I’m glad I remember cutting my cake and taking pics with family but I don’t remember my cousins holding my hair as I puked the bottomless tequila shots.

By now I’m sure you’re probably thinking, it sounds counterproductive right? Why would I leave my fiancé if I felt like I should be married with kids by 25? Why act so reckless if what I felt I needed and wanted was stability? The answer is complex, all I know is that at the time the only thing that made sense was to run. Run as fast and as far as I could to avoid these feelings of failure. Perhaps I thought that if I didn’t have a fiancé then that would explain why I wasn’t married yet, and why I didn’t have kids yet. Perhaps if I was single that meant that society, family and friends wouldn’t question why I didn’t have all the things I thought I should by 25.

I found myself crying a lot, I was depressed, I was at my lowest, and for the most part I played the “I’m happy to be free” card and role pretty damn well. I had those around me convinced I was fine, I was happy, I was just living my life as I wanted. Behind closed doors and when I was alone, I cried, I hated being alone, I hated having to confront all my emotions which is why I always filled my time with family and friends. To be alone meant to confront what was really running from, myself, and to realize that I had abandoned my life because of what society made think I needed to have.

San Francisco 2014. 22 bday trip

I have nothing but love, appreciation, and endless amount of gratitude for my fiancé, he fought ferociously and lovingly for me. He was there, ready to accept me back in with loving arms when I returned. I had hurt him, and I still cry just as I am now writing all this out, because I was so lost that year and I hurt him and those around me.

When I finally got passed turning 25, and I realized it wasn’t so scary, I was NOT old, and finally said F**k what society thinks I should have, I became much happier and THAT was liberating.

I realized once again that I have never cared what others thought of me, so why did I care now. What I have come to understand it was that while I thought I too wanted these things, I don’t care when they come to me, or when I finally obtain these things. I believe in that everything happens for a reason, and that the Universe and Creator’s timing is never wrong. I have learned that what is for me is for ME, and nothing can change that.

This year broke me, but I have spent the last few years building and growing. Since that time, I have started a business, some relationships I grew out of while some grew stronger, I have really stepped into my power and learned the art of self love and found a community. I AM SUCCESSFUL and I have so much more than I ever thought I would after turning 25!

Back to loving birthdays ♥️

I am back to enjoying birthdays, and I grow excited about their arrival. I am me, and this is my life, and I am more than content and happy with the way it is going and the way it has turned out.

I used to brush off and jokingly say I had a quarter life crisis, but the truth is I did and I was both anxious and depressed, and it is okay to admit this. It is my truth, I got help, and I have healed from this year. And I continue to do the work because I know that while it may have been an isolated time, I know that my mental health is important and because of this I am where I am today. Just a few days away from turning 29 almost 30 and I am okay with that, I am happy to start another journey around the sun 🌞

xo-

jay

#JLOVEKNITSVIRTUALCLEANUP

March 1st 2021 Ontario, Ca

Happy March!

March is a month, I looooovvveeee! Selfishly and completely bias as it is my birth month, but truthfully I love it for so many other reasons.

Like its Women’s History Month, with International Women’s Day being March 8th and Craft month!

I also feel like as a born and raised Cali girl, this is one of the last “Winter” months where the temperature is cool, with sunny skies right before we head into spring weather and scorching temps.

But let’s go back to being a little selfish and talk about my birthday, more specifically something I want for my birthday!

I have always wanted to host a beach clean up for my birthday, unfortunately that isn’t a possibility this year due to COVID, but after this panaderia is over I really hope to host one every year for my birthday.

So even though we may not be able to all gather and clean up a beach, I figured we could still do it “virtually” and socially distanced from the comfort of our own home/neighborhood.

The idea and goal is simple, pick/clean up an area such as a park, or even your street, or heck your sidewalk or neighbors sidewalk, etc. wherever you see trash on the floor. Whether that be on your daily walk, like me, or a trip to the park with your kids, or the parking lot of your local Target or shopping center. *Please be safe when doing this, do NOT pick up trash with your bare hands, or hold trash in hands. Use gloves and/or a grabber tool/pick-stick and use a trash bag. Have hand sanitizer with you and wash hands once done.

I remember the first day I decided to do this on my walks, I was so disheartened and surprised at how much trash was at my neighborhood park. I had my bag half way filled before I even arrived at the park, and once I began my lap around the park I had filled it up within the first come of minutes. It saddened me to see this place filled with trash, I was upset that I had not properly prepared and brought a larger bag. It opened my eyes, it made me realize that even though the park and our streets “looked” clean while driving by that wasn’t actually the case. It sparked something in me to want to continue doing this on my walks. So now I’m prepared when I go out every morning, I wake up excited to go and do my small part. That is what this journey is about, making small changes/actions that can lead to big impacts.

My hope with this virtual clean up is that it may encourage or even spark that same desire to continuously do this.

If you do choose to participate, please share a pic on Instagram and tag me @jloveknits and use the hashtag #jloveknitsvirtualcleanup. Those who participate and tag me + use the hashtag will be entered in my birthday giveaway which will be posted on my instagram later this week with the full details.

Sending so much love & light to y’all!

xo- Jay ♥️

Jessica, aka Jay.

My name is Jessica, but I like to go by Jay or simply “J”. I am a 28 year old Latinx small business owner, who hand makes reusable eco-friendly items, but I’m also much more than that.

I started JLOVEKNITS in 2012/13 on Instagram to showcase my handmade knitted and crocheted goods. I began this craft journey as a way to gift friends and family members presents during the holidays, birthdays, etc. I was a broke college student working PT and my family was recovering from the financial crisis of 2007-2008 (thinking back to those days still triggers me sometimes but that’s a post for another day).

I sorta kinda forgot about my business Instagram only to restart it in the winter of 2017 (after yet again recovering from some personal issues) but this time I was making it all. Candles, beanies, scarves, Cricut crafts, you wanted it, I made it anything to help supplement my income and to fill my time.

It wasn’t until 2018 when I finally found my purpose, making cute and affordable REUSABLE ITEMS. You’ll also get to hear more about how this journey all got started if you keep following.

It has been two years since I rebranded JLOVEKNITS from handmade knitted and crocheted goods to handmade eco-friendly alternatives. Along this journey I have found personal, financial, and emotional growth & success. It hasn’t always been easy, and trying to balance building a business, keeping up with a fiancé and home life, and the occasional bouts of anxiety can feel overwhelming at times but the support I have received from my peers, *community, family, and friends has helped make this journey worthwhile.

  • I really don’t like using the words “followers” and “supporters” because those words feels too impersonal and snotty for me, which is why I tend to say “community” instead because honestly the love and support that has been sent my way goes far beyond what a “customer/follower” is)

So if you already follow me on IG then you already know I can be what some might consider an “oversharer” for being a business page. I always knew I wanted to create a blog where I could openly share my life, not because I think my life is so great or because I want to boast about it. But because I feel like sharing, story telling, and writing has always been a great form of expression for me. It has always felt like a set in the right direction towards healing. Journaling has been a love of mine since I was a young girl, it helped put down the words of my heart and soul on paper. It was where I would write out what I wish I could say out loud, in hopes that there were others out there feeling or going through the same thing so I didn’t feel so alone or so that I could share in my excitement with. This blog has been in the making for a long time. If only I could have found the courage I now have today. I let fear and self doubt keep me from pursuing this.

I was riddled with pesky little thoughts “who would care”, “why bother”, “your not interesting”, “what about the meanies of the internet”, etc. But as I continue to grow I have come to let go fear and self doubt, and I have decided to say, stop worrying about what others might think, stop letting fear dictate what you do and don’t do. I have come to a point where my biggest fear is not doing this and letting myself down.

And to those who maybe wondering why not just get a journal and keep it private? Well, I honestly have enjoyed sharing my personal journey, business experience, setbacks, and more with my community on IG and finding so many that can relate on there that I feel compelled to continue to share my journey on here where I’m not as restricted or confided to a single square and 2,200 character caption. That this blog too continues to grow to be a place where we all find community and perhaps a place where you feel seen.

I plan on continuing to share more in depth personal experiences, lifestyle tips, and of course shamelessly promote my little baby, my business JLOVEKNITS. This blog (and a book) was something that even as a kid I knew I would do, well actually as a kid I had no idea what a blog was, but I don’t know why or how I knew at such a young age that I would share my story.

My hope is that if this blog finds you that it may inspire, bring hope, joy, or even just laughter, or that you may feel like you’ve stumbled upon a relatable virtual amiga.

xo- Jay