Quarter Life Crisis.

25th birthday. 2017

The year I was turning 25 was the one of the toughest years of my adult life, mentally. Twenty-five was the year I thought I’d have it all figured out. I had heard so many around me say that by 25 they were married with two kids, had purchased their own home, graduated college/uni. and had landed their dream job. Prior to turning 25, I had family members reminding me that my biological clock was ticking, asking if and when I was going to have a huge wedding, if I was going back to school, etc. Turning twenty-five, was the year I felt so low about myself and where I was in life.

How I felt turning 25

My birthday is in March, as we all know by now because I have talked about it so much. So in January of 2017, something inside of me began to shift, I felt unsettled, I felt like I had this ticking time bomb inside of me, my emotions where all over the place. I remember constantly saying to those around me, that I was getting “old” and how I couldn’t believe how “old” I was. I giggle now at that, how I am older now and completely find myself saying how “young” I am or how “young” I feel.

I remember always feeling alone, in my relationship and in general, I am the only one in my family who lives in the Inland Empire. By late January I left my fiancé, I had compared my relationship so much to others that I found myself wanting out because it wasn’t where I thought our relationship should be. I won’t sugar coat things either, there were issues in the relationship that were far from perfect, and these things really were the straw that broke the already mentally and emotionally exhausted break.

novacane for the pain

I was living with my cousin and then back home with my mom, not knowing what I was going to do with my life, all I knew is that for the first time in my adult life I felt like I was “putting myself first”. I was doing whatever I wanted, like getting a very questionable piercing, cutting my bangs/hair, partying with my cousins, and doing anything and everything I could to not think about turning 25.

deep convos with young bros

My family threw me this huge beautiful birthday party, that started out as a surprise, until my mom spilled the beans. Even though I was walking around fearing this number, this age, I paraded around in my white dress that I claimed was my “wedding dress” because I was getting married to myself, and in my fake flower crown I handmade. I come from a huge Mexican family, partying is what we know how to do, and I loved being around family, but hated what we were celebrating because I did not feel worthy of celebration. What did I have to show for? What was worthy of celebrating? In my 25 years of life I felt as I had accomplished nothing. So that night I drank, I drank so much that I blacked out. I’m glad I remember cutting my cake and taking pics with family but I don’t remember my cousins holding my hair as I puked the bottomless tequila shots.

By now I’m sure you’re probably thinking, it sounds counterproductive right? Why would I leave my fiancé if I felt like I should be married with kids by 25? Why act so reckless if what I felt I needed and wanted was stability? The answer is complex, all I know is that at the time the only thing that made sense was to run. Run as fast and as far as I could to avoid these feelings of failure. Perhaps I thought that if I didn’t have a fiancé then that would explain why I wasn’t married yet, and why I didn’t have kids yet. Perhaps if I was single that meant that society, family and friends wouldn’t question why I didn’t have all the things I thought I should by 25.

I found myself crying a lot, I was depressed, I was at my lowest, and for the most part I played the “I’m happy to be free” card and role pretty damn well. I had those around me convinced I was fine, I was happy, I was just living my life as I wanted. Behind closed doors and when I was alone, I cried, I hated being alone, I hated having to confront all my emotions which is why I always filled my time with family and friends. To be alone meant to confront what was really running from, myself, and to realize that I had abandoned my life because of what society made think I needed to have.

San Francisco 2014. 22 bday trip

I have nothing but love, appreciation, and endless amount of gratitude for my fiancé, he fought ferociously and lovingly for me. He was there, ready to accept me back in with loving arms when I returned. I had hurt him, and I still cry just as I am now writing all this out, because I was so lost that year and I hurt him and those around me.

When I finally got passed turning 25, and I realized it wasn’t so scary, I was NOT old, and finally said F**k what society thinks I should have, I became much happier and THAT was liberating.

I realized once again that I have never cared what others thought of me, so why did I care now. What I have come to understand it was that while I thought I too wanted these things, I don’t care when they come to me, or when I finally obtain these things. I believe in that everything happens for a reason, and that the Universe and Creator’s timing is never wrong. I have learned that what is for me is for ME, and nothing can change that.

This year broke me, but I have spent the last few years building and growing. Since that time, I have started a business, some relationships I grew out of while some grew stronger, I have really stepped into my power and learned the art of self love and found a community. I AM SUCCESSFUL and I have so much more than I ever thought I would after turning 25!

Back to loving birthdays ♥️

I am back to enjoying birthdays, and I grow excited about their arrival. I am me, and this is my life, and I am more than content and happy with the way it is going and the way it has turned out.

I used to brush off and jokingly say I had a quarter life crisis, but the truth is I did and I was both anxious and depressed, and it is okay to admit this. It is my truth, I got help, and I have healed from this year. And I continue to do the work because I know that while it may have been an isolated time, I know that my mental health is important and because of this I am where I am today. Just a few days away from turning 29 almost 30 and I am okay with that, I am happy to start another journey around the sun 🌞



Quitting my 9 to 5.

I let go of fear, and decided to believe in myself 1000+% – jay

During the months of April, May, and some of June, as I was put on leave from my job due to the pandemic in the U.S. and I got a taste of what it would be like to work full time at JLOVEKNITS

Granted I was working crazy hours as I tried to meet the high demand of face masks, but I didn’t care. I was working from home, spending the day sewing, cooking all my meals, waking up early to workout and enjoy a cup of coffee. I was living my best life and had found a nice schedule and rhythm to my days.

During these months I was able to save so much money, ironic as that sounds considering I was put on leave, but I also wasn’t spending as much as I typically did. If you’re wondering how that was possible well then let me give you a quick rundown on what I typically spend money on in just ONE week while working.

  • Starbucks/Coffee & Breakfast – at least 3x a week, sometimes more! Also buying some for my coworker/amiga almost every time (we would take turns buying coffee, but I definitely was the bigger coffee fiend)
  • Eating out for lunch – at least 2x a week (some weeks more), mi amiga and I would also take turns buying each other lunch.

I have great shame writing that out but as you can see I spent A LOT of money on coffee and food, not including groceries, and other expenses.

So yeah, I was able to save a ton of money by just staying home.

Once we were called to return, I had so many questions concerning how they would keep everyone safe, myself, my coworker and the clients/consumers. That concern would then get me labeled as “difficult”, imagine that working at a Intermediate Care Facility (ICF) with individuals who were both intellectually and physically disabled, ALL with compromised immune systems, and out of sincere concern you ask what precautions were going to be implemented to keep them and yourself safe, and simply having questions about our return, only to have upper management not giving you any clear answers but somehow you’re the one being difficult. I cared deeply about those we served and did not want to put any of them at risk. (Like any decent human being who is taking this pandemic serious) That’s just who I am though, a caring, super cautious, empath.

Between not getting any clear answers, and being labeled as “difficult” I was then informed that they wanted to place us (coworker and I) in a new home with a new client/consumer without any information or training, I was ready to quit. I was fed up, not because I’m incapable of handling change but because for the last four years this job had given me nothing but headaches. I will definitely give y’all the full tea on that later because I don’t want this crappy job to take too much space on this post.

There were so many reasons to leave that job, and I had done so in the past but I foolishly returned.

I had my resignation letter typed up since May, about a month after I was put on leave. I was so in love with the way my days were being spent working from home that after one month I knew this is what I wanted to do Full Time. I never sent it in, I told myself I should wait to see if I still felt this way if/when they called me back in and if I did THEN I should quit. Welp, they called me back in and even after all the drama, me questioning them over the safety, being placed in a new environment with zero training, I still didn’t send my resignation.

It had nothing to do with not making enough money on JLOVEKNITS, or not having enough money saved but it was a matter of fear.

Even before this pandemic, JLOVEKNITS was bringing in more money than my 9 to 5 and while producing masks did help grow my online presence grow but no masks sales were not the only reason my income grew. I have to let y’all know that no I did NOT quit my job because masks were making me money.

When I first began to make masks, I was not making ANY money. I repeat for MONTHS I did not make a profit. I was selling them at cost, meaning I only charged whatever it cost to make them material wise, that did not account for my labor. I didn’t want to profit off of this horrific pandemic, and did not want to “price gauge” especially when everyone was having a hard time getting a hold of masks, before the whole world began to produce them.

So when I first announced I quit my 9 to 5 some troll direct messaged me on Instagram asking what was I going to do when this pandemic was over and no one wanted to buy masks from me. That message made me giggle, of course I wasn’t going to rely solely on one product as a source of my livelihood. I had more than enough money saved, and while yes masks helped bring in a new audience, and more customers, I was able to convert mask sales into returning customers who would then go on to try my reusable items. I experience a tremendous and rapid growth in sales, selling out in less than 10 minutes at a time!

After being back at work for nearly 4 months and realizing that JLOVEKNITS was growing momentum and the demand for my items were so high that I felt like I couldn’t keep up. My 9 to 5 was hindering my ability to keep up with the demand. My 9 to 5 was no longer the thing that made JLOVEKNITS possible, I no longer needed it to keep the lights on at JLOVEKNITS because JLOVEKNITS was self sustainable all on its own.

My 9 to 5 felt like something that was holding me back. I felt as though if not now, that the demand is high at times overwhelmingly so in the best way possible, then when? I knew that if I didn’t do it now, then I would regret it. I wanted to make sure I maximized the exposure and momentum I had at this time. So I did, I finally did it, I sent that letter in.

It was the most liberating feeling I had ever felt, don’t get me wrong I was scared sh*tless but nonetheless I was READY! I was ready to give this little business of mine all the love, attention, care, my everything, just as it had given all the same to me. JLOVEKNITS saved me nearly 3 years ago, it helped me heal, grow, and evolve and I was now ready to do just that for JLOVEKNITS.

My Advice

If you are considering quitting your 9 to 5 and pursue your small business full time, here are a tips and advice. *keep in mind I am no expert in any of this, but this is simply what I did, what worked for me may not work or be for you.

  • Keep your job for as long as you can, do not rely on a “good month” of sales. Let your job fund your dream, until your dream funds itself, pays your bills, AND leaves you with enough leftover for savings.
  • Pay down as much debt as you can prior to quitting. Obviously not talking about your mortgage, but any credit card debt, or even your car note. It will help ease your mind and you won’t be as worried on slow months.
  • Keep your personal and business finances separate and keep track of your business expenses, and money coming in.
  • Never make a permanent decision on temporary feelings.
  • Register your business, open a business checking account, and get a tax ID number.
  • Create a support system for yourself. There will be days when you feel like you’re on the right path, then there will be those days where you feel like giving up. Having people you trust, and can turn to will help you walk off that ledge when you find yourself spiraling. You will find that they are also your biggest supporters and cheerleaders. Love and cherish them!
  • Don’t make permanent decisions on temporary feelings. You may feel ready to leave behind your 9 to 5 but really sit with that decision. Make sure you’re like me who would have one bad thing happen at work and say “ugh that’s it I’m quitting” knowing full well it wasn’t possible to do so a.k.a me, year one of starting this business, making only $20 a month. (lol)

“Let your job fund your dream, until your dream funds itself”

Q & A

My community on Instagram had some questions that I promised I would answer on this post.

Q: Did you have monthly expenses that stopped you from quitting before you did?

  • Yes and no. When I first wanted to quit, I said I would do so once I paid my car off. Then when I did pay off I kept working and realized that it wasn’t my monthly expenses that kept me from quitting but fear. I was making more than enough to cover my monthly expense for quite some time now.

Q: Did you need to get yourself financially stable? Or did you just think f*ck it?

  • Having experienced the crash of 2008, where my mom lost her business, the family SUV, and the first house she purchased, I definitely had to make sure my finances where stable, and that I had a game-plan. I made sure I was being smart with my money as well. Not living beyond my means, saving, saving, saving, and made sure to invest in the stock market and build my portfolio.

Q:Did you have to get your own health/dental Insurance or did you already have it?

  • Yes, I did. My 9 to 5 provided all my benefits, health, dental, vision, and life insurance. I had to get them all myself once I quit.

Q: Did your family and friends think you were crazy for quitting your job?

  • No, not at all. My mom is an entrepreneur herself (I got it from my momma) so she has always supported me on this journey. My fiancé has always been there for me, he’s the one who bought me my first sewing machine. At first he was a bit apprehensive when I would talk about quitting but that was when I first started and instantly wanted to quit 😂 So thankful he kept me humble and grounded. By the beginning of 2020 and when I really started to seriously talk about quitting he definitely encouraged it and was so happy for me and the business I built. Had I quit when I first started then I am certain my friends and family would have thought I was bonkers but they have all seen how hard I have worked over the years. They definitely see that I am serious about this, and are super supportive now.

Q: How do you handle working from home? Do you have a set schedule?

  • I don’t necessarily have a set schedule, but I do have a routine. When I first quit I really wanted to create this super structured “work & personal” schedule. I found myself not being able to maintain it and would feel so bad about it. I had every hour counted for, i.e.: 6:45am Wake up, 7am Workout, 8am Shower 8:30am Breakfast, and so on. So on days when I didn’t follow it I felt super bad and like I had failed. More often then not I was overworking myself and not enjoying any of the perks of working from home. Now I have routines for the morning, afternoon, and night that are not time restricted.

Q: Was it scary to quit your job?

  • I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t. It was terrifying, well okay not terrifying but it was a bit scary. This was a big responsibility I was placing on myself, but I knew I was ready so that took the pressure off. I also knew that I couldn’t let fear stop me.

Q: Any tips on how to respond to negative family and friends who don’t believe in you?

  • Do not respond to them. People tend to project their own fears and insecurities onto others. Their negativity does not fund you or your dreams. Do not let what others think or say get you down, do not give anyone that much power over you. Someone wise once said to me, if they don’t pay your bills then f*ck them. Real talk, you are the one who has to believe in yourself in order to make your business and dreams happen. I am sorry if you are experiencing this. Try connecting with other small business owners, they are some of the most supportive and nicest people I have ever met!

I honestly would not be in the position I am in now without the community I built on Instagram and at pop ups (pre-COVID). I am so thankful for everyone who helps fund this dream of mine. Those who share my content, and page. To those who set reminders for every launch. I am so thankful they love and accept me, and that they make me feel safe to share my story and journey with them. I am also thankful to those of you who are here reading this. Thank you for taking the time to read a piece of me. This journey has not been easy but having a community like this definitely helps.

Thank you ♥️